Jokes
“A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book.” ~Irish Proverb
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Joke: Love Jokes
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn’t heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me…
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what’s your phone number??
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don’t you ever want to improve??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He’d forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you’re pretty ugly.
Girlfriend : "…And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
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Joke: Promise
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
She said, "Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."
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Joke: Season Ticket
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season’s more than half over," he said.
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Joke: Real 911 Calls
- Dispatcher: 911
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
- Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
- Dispatcher: 911 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
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Joke: Marriage Quotes By Men
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. A man was complaining to a friend: ‘I had it all – money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!’ ‘What happened?’ asked the friend. ‘My wife found out..’ A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, ‘Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!’ Martha replies, ‘Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?’ The man responds, ‘I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!’ Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful! I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie? A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. —————————————————————————————————————————
Joke: Crazy Patients
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.
The patient replied, "Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2′s face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
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Joke: The funniest blonde joke
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that……..
- She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
- She called me to get my phone number
- She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
- She tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
- She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
- She tried to drown a fish.
- She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
- She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- She studied for a blood test.
- When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
- When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
- When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
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Joke: A Generous Lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um … no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea…"
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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Joke: A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver sits down next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.” ———————————————————————————————————————————
Joke: Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You’re finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari."
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Joke: A perfect son
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn’t.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
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Joke: A Box of Chocolate
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.
He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." Phoof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.
He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
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Joke: Millionaire
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire? "
Millionaire: " I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "She must be a very good and talented woman. What were you before you married her ? "
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
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Joke: The good thing
A old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech. Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to the heckler and said:
"Will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city."
"Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."
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Joke: The thief
A man went to the police station and demanded that he be allowed to speak to the man who had broken into his house the previous night.
"You’ll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"But you don’t understand," said the man. "I want to know how he got into my house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years."
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Joke: Sad Story
Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.
Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.
The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps
After 2 hours it was Harry’s turn.
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Joke: Job Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the personnel recruitment officer asked a young engineer fresh out of Cambridge, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years .. say, a red sports Mercedes?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
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Joke : Bad luck
This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side . . . You know what?"
"What dear", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you’re bad luck."
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Joke: Speed Limit
There was this car that was driving very slowly down the highway. A State Trooper pulls it over. “What have I done wrong, officer?” the driver asks.
“You are going 26mph on a major highway. There is a law against that,” the officer says to the driver. “You must go at least 50mph.”
“But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 26!” the driver replies.
“HA HA HA!” The officer laughs out loud. “That is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn’t the speed limit!”
The driver leans back in her car seat and the cop sees another woman sitting beside her. She looked as pale as a ghost.
“What happened to her?” the officer asks.
“I don’t know, but she has been that way ever since we got off of Interstate 160.”
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Joke: 911 Call
There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.
She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed.
In a panic she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?"
The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don’t panic help in on the way…where do you live?"
The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!"
Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"
The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"
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Joke: Did you ever wonder?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
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Joke: Disappearing Blonde
Three women are at a house, one redhead, one brunette, and one blonde.
A genie appears and says the women can say anything, but if they tell a lie, they will disappear.
The redhead says, "I think I am the smartest woman ever," and she disappears.
The brunette says, "I think I am the most beautiful woman on Earth," and she disappears.
The blonde says, "I think-" and she disappears.
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Joke: Conversations
Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don’t think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don’t think I know either, Sir!"
Headmaster: I’ve had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.
Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
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Joke: Conversations
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the….
Teacher: Stop! Never put ‘is’ after an "I". Always put ‘am’ after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that’s the good news, then what’s the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let’s start from your bank account.
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Joke: Police Emergency
This is a true story of George Phillips from Mississippi.
George was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed trying to steal things.
He immediately phoned the police and explained the situation. Then they explained that all police officers were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you’d shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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Joke: NASA
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C.
The Russians use a pencil.
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Joke: Pink Clouds
Mary, Anna, and Linda died and went to heaven.
God said, "Do whatever you want, but don’t step on the pink clouds."
One day, Mary decided to go for a walk. When she came back, there was an ugly boy next to her. Anna and Linda asked, "Where’d you get that ugly boy?"
"I stepped on a pink cloud," said Mary.
The next day, Anna decided to go for a walk. When she came back, there was an ugly boy next to her. Mary and Linda asked, "Where’d you get that ugly boy?"
"I stepped on a pink cloud," said Anna.
The next day Tess decided to go for a walk. When she came back, there was a cute boy standing next to her. Mary and Anna asked, "Where’d you get that cute boy?"
The boy said, "I stepped on a pink cloud."
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Joke: Bus Ride
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the baby and said, "That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!"
Extremely upset, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the back of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she said angrily.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers."
"You’re right," She said. "I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That’s a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
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Joke: Two Words
A prince had a curse put on him when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year. But, if he didn’t speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak 4 words the next year and so on.
One day he met a princess named Josie and he wanted to say "My Princess".
The next year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess, i love you".
The third year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess I love you, will you marry me?" But, the young prince, now growing older knew he would have to wait a couple more years.
So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess.
He approached her respectfully and asked, "JOSIE, MY PRINCESS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?"
And the princess said, "Pardon?"
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Wrong Email
A couple decided to go on a vacation in Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile…..somewhere in California, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who died following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: 25 February 2011
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
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Remarks at Your Funeral
Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say … ‘Look, he’s moving!’”
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A Camping Trip
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?”
Watson said, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes: “And what does that tell you?”
Watson: “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes: “Somebody stole our tent.”
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