Jokes

“A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book.”  ~Irish Proverb 

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Joke : Bad luck

This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?

You have been with me through all the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side . . . You know what?"

"What dear", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you’re bad luck."

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Joke: Speed Limit

There was this car that was driving very slowly down the highway. A State Trooper pulls it over. “What have I done wrong, officer?” the driver asks.

“You are going 26mph on a major highway. There is a law against that,” the officer says to the driver. “You must go at least 50mph.”

“But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 26!” the driver replies.

“HA HA HA!” The officer laughs out loud. “That is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn’t the speed limit!”

The driver leans back in her car seat and the cop sees another woman sitting beside her. She looked as pale as a ghost.

“What happened to her?” the officer asks.

“I don’t know, but she has been that way ever since we got off of Interstate 160.”

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Joke: 911 Call

There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.

She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed.

In a panic she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?"

The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don’t panic help in on the way…where do you live?"

The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!"

Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"

The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"

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Joke: Did you ever wonder?

Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

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Joke: Disappearing Blonde

Three women are at a house, one redhead, one brunette, and one blonde.

A genie appears and says the women can say anything, but if they tell a lie, they will disappear.

The redhead says, "I think I am the smartest woman ever," and she disappears.

The brunette says, "I think I am the most beautiful woman on Earth," and she disappears.

The blonde says, "I think-" and she disappears.

 

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Joke: Conversations

Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don’t think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don’t think I know either, Sir!"

Headmaster: I’ve had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

 

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Joke: Conversations

 

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the….
Teacher: Stop! Never put ‘is’ after an "I". Always put ‘am’ after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that’s the good news, then what’s the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let’s start from your bank account.

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Joke: Police Emergency

This is a true story of George Phillips from Mississippi.

George was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed trying to steal things.

He immediately phoned the police and explained the situation. Then they explained that all police officers were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you’d shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

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Joke: NASA

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C.

The Russians use a pencil.

 

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Joke: Pink Clouds

Mary, Anna, and Linda died and went to heaven.

God said, "Do whatever you want, but don’t step on the pink clouds."

One day, Mary decided to go for a walk. When she came back, there was an ugly boy next to her. Anna and Linda asked, "Where’d you get that ugly boy?"

"I stepped on a pink cloud," said Mary.

The next day, Anna decided to go for a walk. When she came back, there was an ugly boy next to her. Mary and Linda asked, "Where’d you get that ugly boy?"

"I stepped on a pink cloud," said Anna.

The next day Tess decided to go for a walk. When she came back, there was a cute boy standing next to her. Mary and Anna asked, "Where’d you get that cute boy?"

The boy said, "I stepped on a pink cloud."

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Joke: Bus Ride

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the baby and said, "That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!"

Extremely upset, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the back of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she said angrily.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers."

"You’re right," She said. "I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That’s a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

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Joke: Two Words

A prince had a curse put on him when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year. But, if he didn’t speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak 4 words the next year and so on.

One day he met a princess named Josie and he wanted to say "My Princess".

The next year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess, i love you".

The third year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess I love you, will you marry me?" But, the young prince, now growing older knew he would have to wait a couple more years.

So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess.

He approached her respectfully and asked, "JOSIE, MY PRINCESS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

And the princess said, "Pardon?"

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Wrong Email

A couple decided to go on a vacation in Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile…..somewhere in California, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who died following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I’ve Arrived

Date: 25 February 2011

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

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Remarks at Your Funeral

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say … ‘Look, he’s moving!’”

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A Camping Trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?”

Watson said, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes: “And what does that tell you?”

Watson: “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

Holmes: “Somebody stole our tent.”

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